In her view, he did not deserve to feel happy since he had been angry when she stepped away from the sport after the Beijing Games in 2022.

That reaction seems unreasonable at first glance: If he was upset when she quit, it is only natural he would be pleased to see her come back.

But Alysa explained it more simply: She felt irritated with her father and the two don't get along. So whether he is angry or happy, she believes he doesn't deserve happiness.

From Arthur's perspective, those years meant raising a child alone, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on training, making what felt like endless trips to the rink, even disguising himself at times to watch her practice closely, and working late into the night to keep up with his job after devoting so much time to his daughter.

For Alysa, it was a childhood marked by 12-hour training days, being denied water out of fear of weight gain, the pressure of a strict father, and the loneliness of homeschooling and practicing on her own.

What began as a love for skating was gradually overshadowed by a sense of lost freedom, leading her to announce her retirement at just 16.

Her story is complicated, but versions of this family dynamic can be seen in some Chinese-American households, across Asia more broadly and in Vietnam as well. Parents do everything they can to help their children succeed, yet once those children do succeed, they sometimes turn back with resentment.

Many parents push their children into extra classes to get into elite schools, hoping to secure a brighter future. I have seen parents tear apart their child's dream of becoming an artist and force them into medicine. But even after becoming a doctor, that child may set the degree aside and return to their original passion.

A woman talks to a boy. Illustration photo by Unsplash

No one can predict the future. And whatever path is taken, people rarely change the logic they use to make sense of their lives. If a child does not succeed, they may think they would have been happier pursuing their passion from the start. If they do succeed, parents may believe their early discipline laid the foundation.

This tension between parental experience and a child's aspirations has no clear right or wrong, because no one gets a second life to compare outcomes.

One of the hardest stages of parenting is facing a child's rebellious phase.

Every child is different and every family has its own circumstances. But somewhere between the ages of 8 and 30, most children go through some form of rebellion.

I have seen parents worn down trying to guide their children based on their own experience, while the children insist their parents do not understand them and are out of touch.

There may be another way to look at it.

Parental experience does not have to conflict with a child's happiness or success. In fact, the more knowledgeable and experienced parents are, the easier it can be to guide their children.

Someone who understands how society works is often better positioned to persuade a child to make wiser choices.

Here is a real example. A colleague's son wanted to drop out of school to become a professional player in the League of Legends. He insisted he was far better than his classmates. Instead of lashing out, the father looked into it and asked which international player he admired most.

The boy said Uzi. His father replied that Uzi once reached Rank 1 Challenger, the top 0.034% of players, in 100 hours and if the boy could reach Grandmaster (about the top 0.12%) in 100 hours during his next break, he could quit school. If not, it was not his path because only a tiny fraction of players make a living from it, and he needed to keep studying.

And so the boy eagerly waited for the break. But after playing up to 10 hours a day, he quickly realized how difficult it was, reaching only Emerald (around the top 10%). At that point, his father explained that this was just a test of skill, and becoming a professional player requires much, much more.

Out of the roughly 3,000 to 5,000 Challenger players worldwide, only a small number of them go pro.

He also showed his son statistics on the age at which players reach Grandmaster and other aspects of the esports career path.

After that the boy stopped playing and even lost interest in following professional gamers.

From all this, a few things stand out to me.

First, don't shout at or punish a child for having shallow understanding or naive thoughts. That is part of being young. Step back instead of clashing head-on with a rebellious child. Taking a few hours to cool off will not make things worse or put them in immediate danger, but it does give parents time to think more carefully about how to guide them.

Second, avoid outright bans and rigid control. Create conditions that allow children to understand things for themselves. Rebellious children do not want to be told what to do. But they do trust their own judgment, and when they reach a realization on their own, they are often willing to change completely. That is when parents should step in with guidance.

My colleague works in education, and so he rarely needs advice.

But most parents do.

Many Vietnamese parents prefer to show only their children's achievements and hesitate to talk about struggles, which can leave them feeling isolated and exhausted. Seeking advice from people with experience or expertise can broaden one's perspective and help avoid common mistakes.

When parenting feels overwhelming, it helps to remember that rebellion is not entirely negative. Some studies suggest that strong-willed, questioning and independent children often have valuable strengths if guided properly.

They are not foolish; they may simply need a different approach.

Children will make mistakes, and parents do not always get it right either. But those frictions should not become a reason to dismiss the efforts both sides are making to grow.